


Behind Your Smile

by Cipher17



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anger, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Self-Harm, The team had misplaced aggression, everyone is bad at feelings, im so sorry lance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:07:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27162265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cipher17/pseuds/Cipher17
Summary: Have you ever had that horrible feeling of dread wash over you. The feeling of your stomach dropping. Feeling like you’ve lost all meaning for life in an instant. You feel like you don’t matter, you just want to curl up into a ball on the floor and never wake up. You don’t want to wake up because you don’t deserve to wake up.Despite that weak, sad feeling, you’re angry. You’re angry that you feel like crying in front of everybody, that you want to have a breakdown in front of everyone and let them take care of you. You want to let everybody make you feel better.But you can’t do that. You can’t let anyone know you’re useless. You can’t let anyone know that you don’t belong. That you’ve never belonged. THAT I’LL NEVER BELONG!
Relationships: Hunk & Lance (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Kudos: 8





	Behind Your Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody! I hope you enjoy the first chapter, this is my first fic so constructive criticism is 100% welcome! If you have any input on where you want this story to go let me know! Have a great day!

Have you ever had that horrible feeling of dread wash over you. The feeling of your stomach dropping. Feeling like you’ve lost all meaning for life in an instant. You feel like you don’t matter, you just want to curl up into a ball on the floor and never wake up. You don’t want to wake up because you don’t deserve to wake up.  
Despite that weak, sad feeling, you’re angry. You’re angry that you feel like crying in front of everybody, that you want to have a breakdown in front of everyone and let them take care of you. You want to let everybody make you feel better.  
But you can’t do that. You can’t let anyone know you’re useless. You can’t let anyone know that you don’t belong. That you’ve never belonged. THAT I’LL NEVER BELONG!

\---------------

I lived my life normally, everything was normal. I had dreams, and aspirations. I wanted to be a pilot. That dream was promptly crushed, I am a failure after all. Then everything changed, I became part of Voltron. I had purpose. But like most of my life, that hope was once again crushed. I am now a part of Voltron, the blue lion and right leg. Now we all live here in space far away from any resemblance of Earth, or security. And I am the seventh wheel, the useless, sad, pathetic part of the team.

\-----------------

I’m currently walking through the cold, unfeeling hallways of the castle. I want to go to my room, but after my performance today in battle, I know I don’t deserve the warm embrace and comfort of my room. I fled the deck before anyone could talk to me, so I know someone is looking for me to tell me how pathetic I am. So I wander the halls, desperately hoping to not run into someone. Of course that's the cue for Shiro to come walking down the hall with a serious expression on his face. I know what he’s here for, as soon as we lock eyes he makes a b-line toward me.  
“Lance” He says, coldly. His gaze is excruciating, just the weight from the look of didane is crushing. I quickly avert my eyes.  
“Hey Shiro, looking good my man! How can I help you!” I internally cringe at how I sound, my voice cracking half way through the stupid sentence.  
“I think you know Lance” I wince, I do know. “This isn't funny anymore Lance. We have a job. I can’t have you goofing around because saving the universe isn’t important to you. You need to start taking this seriously. You know I, we all, expect better from you.” He lectures. We stood in silence for what felt like hours, but was probably only seconds. He doesn’t know, but that hurt more than being stabbed in the gut. I gulp down the sob that threatens to spill out of my throat, and hold back my tears so that I can respond. I look up, and Shiro's expression suddenly changes. I can’t understand why he suddenly looks sorry, I’m just a waste of space after all.  
“Of course Shiro, you know me! I was being stupid today, I’m sorry. I’ll try harder next time.” I quickly walk away as soon as I struggle those words out.  
“Wait!” I hear him call out after me, but I’m already sprinting away. I hear his footsteps following soon after, so I quickly duck into a room when I turn the corner. I can’t hold it in anymore. The tears start pouring down my face, and my breathing begins to become rapid and uneven. I slide down the wall holding my head in my hands.  
I know what I need to do, I want to so bad… but we need to find another member before I can follow through. I slow my breathing, I can’t seem broken in front of them, they’ll get rid of me before I’m ready.  
‘Selfish’ I think to myself. I know theyre expecting me at dinner so I pull myself together, and get up. I check the hallway, then swiftly make my way to my room. I wash my face, avoiding my face in the mirror, I wouldn’t be able to take that right now. Dinner should be soon, I put on my mask, happy Lance, the one that everyone can at least tolerate, and make my way to the team. As I walk through the door Shiro approaches me.  
“Lance, could we talk?” his sweet tone almost pulls me in, I want him to talk to me, I want him to ask what is wrong. I can tell I let my mask slip for a moment, his face shows that clearly. I quickly put a smile back on my face.  
“As much as I would love that, my beauty routine demands my presence. My time is precious, big man. Unless it’s important?” We stand for a second in silence, he’s trying to read me.  
“I guess so Lance, you know you can talk to me or the team if you need to. You know that, right?” a little unsure, but I can work with it.  
“Of course Shiro! Thanks for the worry, but I’m a-ok!” I’m not, but he doesn’t need to know that. He stares for a moment longer, still not sure, but in the end he walks to the table to sit down. I’m close behind him, I hop into my seat trying to keep my high energy. I’m about to say something to Allura, but she quickly shoots me a burning glare. I shut my mouth with an audible ‘click’ before I can say anything to her. I try to quickly brush it off, but it hurts. I see Hunk walk in carrying food to us.  
“Hunk, my main man, what’s that wonderful smell big guy?” I say to him. He opens his mouth to respond, but the alarm goes off before he can finish. We’re under attack!  
“Pallidians, get to your lions now!” At Alluras command we all take off toward our individual hangers.I feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins as I reach blue. I quickly get in and take off to join in the fight. I’m nervous, the battle earlier didn’t go well, my performance was pitiful at best. I have hope that this will go better, but my insecurities are seeping into my head before I can even fully immerse myself in the battle. It seems like a fleet of Galra ships came across us incidentally and decided to take the opportunity. I didn’t think this would be too hard, but I had no doubt I could ruin this too.  
I stay to the back, ‘sharpshooter’ and all. I’m looking around quickly making sure everyone is safe, taking out ships that get a little to close for comfort. I see a ship get dangerously close to Pidge, I take it out.  
‘Yes, I got it!’ I think to myself, that joy is quickly crushed when I hear Pidge yelling at me.  
“Lance, what the hell was that! You could have killed me you idiot!” They yell at me, I don’t think they knew that there was a ship.  
“But-” I start trying to explain, I’m quickly shot down again when I hear them muttering something  
“Why do we even have him on the team, useless” I don’t think I was supposed to hear that because of how quiet they said it, but I heard it nonetheless. I feel my breath hitch in my throat, along with a stab of pain in my heart. I keep trying to focus on the battle, but my eyes are quickly filling with tears.  
‘No no no no no! Keep it together lance, keep it together dumbass!’ I frantically think so. I try to collect myself so I can help with the fight, before I can get the tears out of my eyes I feel something ram into blue. We go flying, I lose control of blue. I feel another hit before I can get control back. My alarms start blearing, and warning light begins to flash. I feel myself panicking, but try to calm myself. I turn on my comms.  
“Hey guys! I could use a little help over here!” I yell out while trying to fend off the attacker who, despite my best efforts, has the upper hand.  
“Not now Lance! We’re a little busy here!” I hear an aggravated voice respond. The attacker is getting some serious damage done on blue. I can barely keep up, she's going to shut down soon.  
“I know you're busy, but I really need some help!” I’m becoming frantic, I have ten minutes at most before blue can’t fight anymore.  
“NOT NOW LANCE!” They all yell. Guess I’ll have to figure it out. I hear blue give a roar of anguish at another hit.  
‘I know beautiful, I’ll try to get you out of this ASAP’ I think. I’m desperately trying to get away, something, anything to keep blue from shutting down! I hear them talking over the comms, helping each other  
‘The others matter more than you. No wonder they’re not helping you, the others aren’t replaceable like you.’ my treacherous brain explains. Blues lights begin to flicker. I know what’s going to happen. With one final blow to her, and another roar of anguish she shuts down and we’re sent hurtling into space. The force from it is jarring, I hit my head on the control panel after jerking forward and I feel an explosion of pain that makes my vision fade to black.  
I don’t think I was out for very long because when I open my eyes I see them still fighting.  
“Lance! Where are you! We need Voltron, stop messing around idiot!” I hear over my comms. I try to lift my arm to press the button and respond, but I quickly realize that not only is my dominant arm not responding, both are immovable, neither are my legs. I feel a fresh wave of panic was over me as a I realize I can’t move and I can barely muster words, I can only look as my team is battling and needs my help  
“Where is he? Lance we need you NOW!” I want to respond, but with me and blue out of commission I can’t do anything.I feel myself muttering a weak ‘help’, but I know they can’t hear me. I begin to slip in and out of consciousness, I’m not sure for how long, but the next time my eyes are open and I’m cognizant of what's happening I can see that the battles are over. We won. Well my team one… I was useless  
“Lance!” I hear them calling my name, muttering insults at my absence. Thinking that I’m off having a laugh. I feel so weak, I can barely move. I hear Hunk’s worried voice break through the wall of insults built by my other teammates.  
“Guys I see his lions! It looks like she shut down!” I hear the attention shift to me, they come to get me even though I hear some muttering, thinking I’m doing it for attention. I feel tears begin to pour out of my eyes.  
‘Why do they hate me so much, why am I so useless?’ At least I know I am physically safe right now, I let myself drift off into full unconsciousness.  
Little did I know the panic that was sparked when we landed and I didn’t come out of the ship, and the panic that would ensue when they got me to the med bay.


End file.
